forgiven

I wrote this a week after I went to Dumaguete and you messaged me on facebook, I don’t have enough courage to send this to you before because I just really don’t know how to :)

Hi Jom!

Hope all is well. We haven’t talk and see each other for 6 long years. How were those past years?

…how was your family?

…how were your son and your wife?

…how was your life after me?

I’m really sorry for the tough actions I've showed when you first approached me on facebook. Forgive me if I have to be harsh on you, I hope you understand that the pain you brought in me is not a joke that can easily remove the bad memories and now a scar. Sorry if it took me 5 years to forgive you for all the things you've done, sorry if I missed to tell you how thankful I am to have you before and to thank you for the good memories you tend to share with me.

I’ll let you know what happened after you left. Nothing to feel about okay? :)

It was November 2008, supposed to be our 5^th year anniversary when you were no longer texting me, at first I thought it was normal but suddenly days goes weeks, weeks goes months, months goes years and years reaches end. That time I learned to wait. My 20^th birthday came without you greeting me, I was hopeful that time that you will come and pick me up on school or at least text. But then, I waited for no one.

I spent most of my time crying on classroom wondering where you are during those days. Again, I’m still waiting. My friends told me to visit you at your house and confront you but I was so afraid to see and face the truth. I refused their suggestions to see you and decided to wait again because I believe in you.

Holiday season came and I’m still waiting for you. I keep on texting you hoping that you will answer me back. Everyone told me that you already have someone by then, it was so painful but I have to accept that you were no longer in love with me and so I decided to move on.

Back then, it was really difficult to accept my fate with you. I moved on full of anger and hatred, telling myself that I will never ever forgive you. But as years goes by, I learned to forgive people. I understand the essence of life and how to nurture it...and so I forgive.

5 years after without any reason, you messaged me on facebook. Honesty, I really don’t know what to say, because for me you are not existing and already forgot 4 years of my life shared with you.

I have to speak straight forward and rude. Sorry. I thought I can stand with conviction that I’m rude but I can’t and it gets difficult to pretend when you keep on telling me that “hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka kataray” because yes I am not mataray. I was so surprised that you still knew my boo-boos about milk and butterflies.

You’re forgiven :)  it’s been half a decade now so it’s about time to forget those. Don’t worry I’m sincere. I wish you a happy and fulfilled life, Jom. Give your son a good future and your partner a good life. I hope you learned all your lessons. I am not expecting you to be my friend, it might be awkward for you so don’t worry I understand. Thank you for spending time reading this.

Wishing you all the happiness,

Happy

life

All of them seem so happy with their respective lives now; one is happily married and starting a new life with his wife and soon to be a father; whereas, the other one had a kid named after to my idea. I am indeed happy for them. But I can’t hide my feelings, how about me? Prior to their lives today they had ME. But where am I right now? Who am I? Who’s with me?

6 years ago, I had someone in my life that is very unpredictable. Well, it’s just a puppy love yet turned into a horrible relationship. He got someone pregnant—then we lost our 4-year relationship. In just a snap, everything went wrong. It took us 5 years to clarify things. 5 years for further explanation, 5 years for the sincere apology and 5 years to speak out what is really all about. It came along that I had to forgive him, this is just me maybe we both had our mistakes but he deserved to be forgiven. I wish you all the best, Jom. May you give your son a meaningful and happy life.

2 years ago, I loved a guy who never surrenders on me, who never asked for something in return, someone that is sincere and lovable. But similar to a daily soap opera, our love story ended because of very shallow reason. Now, he is happily married and soon to be a father. All the best, Chard. Let your high hopes and spirit be your weapon in raising your own family.

While here I am, waiting for my own fate. I know God created someone for me; I know one day someone will bump in front of me. Someone that will change the story of my life, someone that will change my surname for sure :) . In God’s gracious time, I know I’ll meet him.

Hopeful,

Me

hindi mo na ako kailangang hanapin pa

kung ito na ang huli kong liham

ayoko syang masayang sa isang paalam
sa isang paalam
dahil ako ay mabubuhay sa yong mga alaala
at sa puso mo, diwa ko'y titira
di mo na ako kailangang hanapin pa
pikit ka lang sinta, ako ay nariyan na

sa buhay mang ito o sa kabilang mundo
hanggat may pag asang dumadaloy sa akin at sa yo
hanggat pagibig ay panig sa atin, kumagat man ang dilim
wag mangamba, dahil liwanag tayo ng isa't isa

o lakambini ko, buhay ng buhay ko
san ka man patungo, dalhin mo ako
wag ka nang matakot, mundo'y hayaan nang umikot
darating din ang panahon ng hinahon

di mo na ako kailangang hanapin pa
pikit ka lang sinta, ako ay nariyan na

sa buhay mang ito o sa kabilang mundo
hanggat may pag asang dumadaloy sa akin at sa yo
hanggat pagibig ay panig sa atin, kumagat man ang dilim
wag mangamba, dahil liwanag tayo ng isa't isa

let it go

I really can’t imagine that everything will be done just like this…

As much as I wanted to recall every good thing happened to us it only ended up into anger.

I can still remember how we both started, I am actually sitting on the actual place that you and I were talking and getting to know each other. Sadly, I am sitting alone here today…waiting for no one—anymore.

Actually, I really don’t know what to feel. Is this anger? Maybe yes, it all went out wrong. Everything is a lie and it breaks me down to hell. From the very beginning, I told you to be transparent, I told you to be at least a good friend of mine—but you didn’t took it seriously.

Yes, I am over you. I don’t know how will I react when I saw you again someday, I don’t even know if I can still utter. Maybe it’s really time to forget everything. Let’s just pretend that we never knew each other. This is the most painful heartbreak that I had in the past. Sorry but I can’t forgive you for now—maybe in a few years’ time.

Time will heal all these pain that you brought in me. But I know this will help me to be a better woman. Thank you Poy for all the good memories that we had. I know for sure God created someone for you to love—and so do I. Hope this failure be a lesson for both of us. Be contended. Be honest. Be faithful. Be happy and be a good friend.

It was nice meeting you though. Thank you for sharing you days with me.

Saying goodbye forever,

Chi